green...

It rained twice in the last month, the second time was almost two weeks ago now, and the effect of that rain on the world around me is nothing short of remarkable. It's green!  A vibrant, rich, saturated green and oh, wow, what a welcome sight that is to me.

Today, everything and everyone just seemed out of sorts, though...for no reason. Nothing at all wrong, so much right actually, but still everything just seemed off. Isn't that a guilt inducing kind of feeling? And the guilt of feeling out of sorts when I should be feeling nothing but gratitude has the effect of making a person that much more out of sorts. Yeah, that kind of day.

And then I put my finger on it. The green is fading. Just slightly so far but it is and that panicky "I don't belong here" feeling started creeping in. The green had such a way of making the heat tolerable...less noticeable some how. It felt right and familiar and comforting. But today reminded me that the rain was really a fluke and the green was never here to stay and maybe I've been a little bit unrealistic lately.

But, "here" is what it is and it has nothing to do with me. I am what I am, too, and I'm tired of feeling like I've failed at something because I can't seem to embrace life here. I'll probably never thrive here, or even like it here very much, to be honest. But I will make it and I will do my best. And I'll stay open to what this turn of events has to offer.

I really do wish it would rain, though.